i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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