I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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