moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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