A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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