Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
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I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
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Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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