my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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