Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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