I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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