If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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