now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
