I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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