I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
