I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
