If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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