OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
