oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
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Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
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We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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