You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize