I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
