New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
