My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
