Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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