tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
