After last night, I could never be a politician.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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