I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
