I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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