all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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