in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
