I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Couch. On fire.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
