Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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