apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just invented taco cereal.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
