my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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