Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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