He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
