Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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