I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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