just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
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no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
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Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
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