apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
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