I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
