so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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