Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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