I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
