My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
