apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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