i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
