Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
