I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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