She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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