At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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