oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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