So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize