i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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