then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
